peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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