Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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