Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You took a bar mat shot.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
