Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I want a musical about memes.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
