just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i think my cat just said my name.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
