how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
