I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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