I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
