checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
