Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish I only lived at night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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