I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
