JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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