Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
