saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
