I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
