My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Everyone says I win the strip club
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
