got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
