After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
