legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
