i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
