It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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