Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
