So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
