I am puke
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
