I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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