I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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