just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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