Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
