Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
