If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
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