my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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