I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
