I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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