So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I checked into jail on foursquare
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
