I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
