every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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