I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
