Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
