CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
