PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
