Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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