Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
