Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
