I could make wine with my vomit
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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