I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
