Already got asked if we're dating
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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