Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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