Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Alive.
So much puke
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
