My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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