I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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